Monday, December 28, 2009
2.15
When I love someone, it's like a piece of my soul is given to them, like a bead from a bracelet. When that bead is handed over, willingly or taken by surprise, I simply cannot get it back. That unique little fragment of my being forever belongs to its keeper. And when the keeper hurts me, or somehow leaves my pocket of social relationships, that bead slips from their hands and rolls into a corner of their room. And it sits there in the corner, collecting dust - still ever present.
I cannot create new pieces of my soul, and I cannot control who possesses each little bead. But with only so much life to live, I'd like to think that whatever I do give out, it makes an impact in the keeper's life. Because that's all anyone can really hope for. To be held dearly in the palms of someone special.
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
I broke down.
But I found my strength
I got into a huge fight with my dad. It was a series of fights, events each building up with intensity, ready to explode into chaos. I was sobbing non-stop. In fact, I didn't stop until about 20 minutes ago. I tried to run away from everything. I grabbed my keys and threw on my boots and started running for the door when my mom and dad caught me, screaming at me to get back to them and to stop running. I turned around with my hair flying everywhere and my tears drenching my face and clothes and I threw my keys to the floor. I ran upstairs, away from their yelling and all of the confusion. I literally could not get away. I flung myself onto my bed and I cried so hard I lost every ounce of strength and sanity in my little body.
My younger brother came up to my room and picked me up, holding me in his arms as I just sprawled out like a rag-doll. Heaving sobs and shrieking unrecognizable phrases. I couldn't see, I couldn't move. I just felt so much pain.
My brother then carried me down the stairs and put me on the couch in front of my father. I curled up in a ball and held my knees, rocking back and forth. I didn't want to hear what he had to say to me. He'd already done too much damage.
He opened his mouth to say something, and I absolutely went fucking berzerk.
I screamed every single word that I wanted to tell him for four years. All of that anger and hatred and fear just poured out of my mouth like word vomit. I couldn't stop myself, I just kept going. I cried and yelled and cursed and fought my way through every single thing I had felt over four years of not saying anything to my father.
And he took everything I said and didn't fight it back. He just looked at me and took it all in. And I just dove into his arms and cried some more until I my dehydration took over. I ran to the bathroom and threw up, and then I passed out cold on the floor.
My brother came in and got me up, stuck a straw in my mouth and made me sip on orange juice until I stopped shaking so violently.
I talked to my dad once I was 'stable' and we sort of reconciled. Everything isn't fixed, but it's better.
Sunday, December 13, 2009
get up.
And you are the only character left.
Everything you used to know was wrong.
And everyone you used to trust was an enemy.
And the person you loved is gone.
But, the play isn't over until you fulfill your destiny.
So, go on.
Pull yourself together.
There's still some pages to go.
And we're not done reading about you
Monday, December 7, 2009
Extracted Chapter
"Get up, Flick."
I rolled over, clutching my stomach, woozy from the raging pain. That was a good hit - a sucker punch, but a good hit.
"Come on, girl. Don't quit on me."
I glared at him. He was definitely going to get it.
"Brennan, you stupid shit!" I lifted myself up, arms quivering, and threw my dead weight full-force at my smirking boyfriend. He laughed as we both collapsed to the floor. The grimy, dank basement floor that had become familiar territory to my bruised and overworked body.
I managed to throw a couple punches at his chest, as he blocked his face with his hands. Not like he had to, anyway. That was one of our rules.
"I'm gonna kill you, Flick!" Brennan shouted through broken puffs of respiration. But the truth was we'd both been dead for some time now. Dead, in the sense of our imagination
"Keep talking, you're making this easier for me." I retorted.
Brennan shoved me away, and then offered a hand, almost as if he was mocking me.
"Fuck you." I said smiling, taking the offer.
This was our routine. Neither of us could recall the exact origin in time when it began. In fact, we didn't understand most of it. Just that it felt good. Sure, anyone could have called it abuse and sent both of our selfish asses to therapy or jail. We'd just sit in our cells, grinning with broken teeth.
I brushed the debris off of my soiled, blood-stained clothing. Both of us were panting and clutching a damaged limb.
"You're gettin' better, babe. I should start taking you seriously" Brennan said.
I shook my hair out of my ponytail. "Hah! Take me seriously. You're starting to sound like my useless father." I spit, noticing a red tinge to my saliva. I must've bit my lip or something.
"You're so sore on that. Stop wasting your time on people who just don't care about you, Flick. He abandoned you. He doesn't want you anymore. Just accept it and move on" he said, wiping his face on his shirt.
I laced up my Chucks angrily. "Eat your words, Bren. If you weren't still hung up on your mom bailing we wouldn't need to do this shit."
He looked at me, those fierce amber eyes flaming with angst. I wasn't scared, he only hit me when my fists were up. Fair and square.
"Look, Flick," he said while lighting his cigarette, "you're just as stubborn and fucked up as me, quit pretending your situation is so much worse. We're both abandoned, neglected souls with lame service jobs and bad social skills. It's not like I made this happen to you. You are just a lost puppy I picked up in the alley." He paused an took a drag.
"I know, that's why we're such a perfect match" I said cooly.
He came over to me and kissed me, blowing his toxic cigarette smoke between my lips. I inhaled. To Brennan, these Newport flavored kisses were his way of showing compassion. I accepted, despite my distaste for menthol.
We walked up the cellar stairs and he held my hand. This was our Saturday night, and despite the slight addiction to painkillers and ice packs, it was special.
Sunday, December 6, 2009
12/6/09
Saturday, November 28, 2009
When capsules and 40oz outweighed achievements.
Some things I would like to get off of my chest:
- My father has "cut me off"
(I think this means he has nothing to do with me anymore)
- I've been having increasingly painful heart palpitations over the past hour
(they have not ceased)
- I would rather sleep in my car than live here one more day.
(this is the difference between building a house and giving a home)
>>>
I heard the dial-tone like a flat line,
you took what was yours, and made it what's mine
all the abuse is eventually going to chew at your health,
no one can move you through this mess you've got to do it yourself
Thursday, November 19, 2009
First photo shoot
Monday, November 16, 2009
"When sorrows come, they come not single spies, but in battalions."
~
False hope expels from your face, your eyes, and the faith that you had in him has faded
rest your thoughts, dear child, you cannot hold yourself responsible for the actions he's taken;
the darkness he pulled over your bright eyes.
Never question your ability to see through false faces,
he is the victim of your passion,
and the wicked criminal who has tainted what it meant to be a hero.
Who is hero?
What was he saving?
Certainly not your disposition or your sanity
You brought this upon yourself,
you were more than capable to save safety, but you folded.
Well, he was wrong.
He is wrong.
You are everything he's always wanted,
and he's thrown it all away.
Thursday, November 5, 2009
truth.
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
pathetic.
Saturday, October 31, 2009
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
What is hiding in the 860?
Sunday, October 25, 2009
Until We All Burn
Thursday, October 15, 2009
'you' deserve an 'and me'
Who do you dream up when the sun goes down?
I cling to my sheets in hopes of finding you.
Monday, October 12, 2009
ramble
And now the tables have turned.
Secretly, quietly - they wish they were as noticeable as we are. They wish to be something daring and unnatural. Of course, it isn't part of their code of law to be anything but "in fashion'. They run in packs. Like wolves they hunt together for something to call "inferior". Well, just because we are different we are wrong. We are dangerous, uncharted territory. Just because we don't blend in with our surroundings we are fake. What defines fake? What makes a person real? We will never be what they want us to be, and they want us to be acceptable.
Clones are terribly boring. I'd prefer to live in chaos than drown in monotony.
Grow a spine.
Saturday, October 3, 2009
Watch your mouth...
that you just might swallow your tongue;
It's not that we're afraid of you, we're just afraid of you slipping into the dark. You have a tendency to fall apart at the worst of times. Please, you've done so well. Don't let the small things creep under your skin. And when you're not strong enough to face the people you love, please don't be afraid to take comfort in isolation. That is, if you plan on returning. I love you, and you have no idea how proud I am of you for lasting this long.
Friday, September 25, 2009
Just as I said.
Please give me feedback.
Do you hate it? Love it? Why?
Friday, September 18, 2009
You've done it again.
What is a promise? A promise is a verbal commitment by one person to another agreeing to do (or not to do) something in the future. So we put our trust into words. We throw our emotions out on the line for spoken or written terms. This means nothing. Words are insignificant; feelings are real. I don't like promises, because they always fail.
In the end, we die alone. Why? Because we, ourselves, are the only people we have. Our loved ones leave us eventually. And no matter how defiant you are, it is the inevitable truth.
Sunday, September 6, 2009
Good gracious.
Reflecting over my experience, I can't tell you how gracious I am to my pediatrician and my mother. My mom stayed focused and calm through everything. She didn't break, and when I was too overwhelmed to handle everything, she smiled and assured me that everything I was going through would make me stronger. I love her so much.
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
Studio!
Smoke screen.
Friday, August 28, 2009
Broken anthem.
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
More ahht. (:
Monday, August 24, 2009
She was afraid of dreadful prophecies.
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
Can you hear me?
Monday, August 10, 2009
And you don't stop.
And now you have Luekemia.
Please don't watch me cry.
Suprise, suprise.
Hook, line, sinker.
Friday, July 31, 2009
I'm sorry I couldn't last longer,
maybe in the next life I'll be a heart stronger.
Monday, July 27, 2009
Damn you.
Sunday, July 26, 2009
Monday, July 20, 2009
Saturday, July 18, 2009
my arts!
there's a way.
Friday, July 10, 2009
Word vommit.
and if I wait up for you, I'll waste my life for you
and i do.
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
Painful paws.
Thursday, July 2, 2009
a brief synopsis
I've just returned from a 2-day yearbook camp with Boston Yearbook Academy and Herff Jones. This was my second and final year doing the camp, and I believe it was really successful. I learned a few things about my camera, which is really vital to this year's publication. I know, I am such a yerd (yearbook nerd). All that matters is that I enjoy it, right?
I am happy to announce that I came up with this year's theme AND I sort of thought of the cover too. My team at camp this year were really brilliant and I have faith in us! Ahghhh. Next year I am a chief 'editorial bitch' as Ms. Cook said. It's going to be extreme!
Wow. I just had a look at my hair. It needs to be done again soon. Yikes!
I MISS MY BOYFRIEND.
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
(: just a little ray of sunshine
I was at this little playground behind one of the elementary schools in my town with my friend Megan, and this lovely man just came putting down the hill with his metal detector. He was a very simple man, by the looks of him, and minded his own business while me and Megan carried on our conversation. I hope he doesn't mind that I sniped a picture of him, as I am currently feeling like a creeper for doing so. He made my day. I think what this man represents is the simple pleasures in life, and the fact that we tend to overlook the little treasures hiding under our busy days. He certainly taught me to never leave a patch of land a mystery. Thank you Mr. Anonymous. You are a beautiful soul.
You're a vile one...
Your heart's a dead tomato splot
With moldy purple spots, Medusa.
Your soul is an apalling dump heap overflowing
with the most disgraceful assortment of deplorable
rubbish imaginable,
Mangled up in tangled up knots.
You nauseate me, Medusa.
You're a three decker saurkraut and toadstool sandwich
With arsenic sauce.
Dr. Suess understands.
Monday, June 29, 2009
it's so frustrating.
I really don't know how I am going to go about fixing this, because it's going to take more than a couple days to resolve.
Sunday, June 28, 2009
Actually.
Listen please:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-LuHJV4Lt0Q
Hey, at least it's not Coldplay. (:
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
il est beau
a little reflection
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
rant - humans
No one morns the wicked.
Monday, June 22, 2009
the ink plague
I always write best when the weather is poor, or when I feel energized by something frustrating. Right now, the only thing that's frustrating to me is my hair. I know, how vain. I used to write about how much I hate fake, vain girls. Maybe I've become one of them. I never wanted to blend in. However, I've become a chameleon.